Mamma's Nest

We've all heard it said that their are more than two sides to a coin. I am continually amazed at how true this is and that as I gain perspective and experience in life, I find that there is almost always a better way of seeing things than what I thought was best.

I love "Ah hah" moments. You know the kind! When all of a sudden a truth strikes your mind and heart simultaneously and you get chills or warm fuzzies because you recognize the truth for what it is. These moments are "journal worthy" aren't they?

I had such a moment the other evening while helping dip cookies in chocolate for our Super Saturday. Several women were talking about how tired they get having children come to their beds in the middle of the night because they're lonely or scared. I remember those days even though I think I had a lot fewer than most women and that's because Jeff made me promise when we were expecting our first baby that I would never bring the baby to bed for nursing or for sleeping. (We had friends that put their baby in bed with them the first days of its life and it became so spoiled by this that the couple's marriage disintegrated and eventually ended because the wife insisted it was okay that the baby sleep with them and the husband got so tired because of the crying baby and having to go to work early, that he wanted the baby weaned from bed. When the wife refused, each fought to have things his or her way.)
Thus, my promise to Jeff that children would not be allowed to sleep with us.

When our oldest started coming into our room in the middle of the night and laying on the floor without waking me, I soon discovered a potential accident waiting to happen since I nearly stepped on her a couple of times. I tried to reason with her and explained that she had to stay in her bed and not come in and lay on the floor because I might step on her. I didn't think she understood until I put a lock on the outside of her bedroom door and told her that I didn't want to lock her in her room at night but if she continued coming in my bedroom, I would have to for her safety. The sweet child never left her room at night again. There's more about that but I will spare her the embarrassment at this time.

So, the other evening as everyone was sharing their wisdom of children sleeping in mom and dad's bed, my dear friend, MaryAnn shared her experience which I think is charming and so Christ-like. Here's what she did to solve the problem:

She made "Momma's nest." MaryAnn gathered blankets and pillows and piled them in the corner of her bedroom. She told the children that she gets so tired because she has to feed the baby at night and she needs her rest. "So if you start feeling scared or lonely, come to Momma's nest and just settle in. That way Momma will get her rest but I will be close by in case you need me really bad." MaryAnn said that many a morning she would find two or three of her little offspring nestled in the nest cuddled together.

I can just see love, kindness, and closeness developing because of this sweet nesting idea. Can you?

Read, Read, Read!!!

At first I was just going to write this message to my family and then I read in the Ensign this morning that we should not be afraid to Blog our testimonies. So, with this is mind along with hoping everyone that reads this will remember that these are just my thoughts and feelings, I will proceed.

What is important to me today that I express is: I think reading is one of the most important skills and interests anyone could acquire. I keep telling my daughters (and now my sons in this blog)that as they rear their children, they must be sure to encourage them to seek out a spouse that loves to read and does so with the purpose to learn. I would encourage them to find a spouse that seeks learning by learning from others experiences that are shared in a good book. Does that make sense? If a person fills his free time with learning opportunities in a good book instead of using his free time simply for entertainment, he gains wisdom and understanding from those that have had experience--he is progressing and gaining knowledge that he or she will carry for the rest of their lives. I could not have reared my children nor made the progress I made as a homemaker if I had not been blessed to read books written by other women that shared their wisdom and experience.

A few weeks ago a young man in our ward gave this scenario. Picture your self trying to get to the Savior. He is on an upper floor and you are trying to go up on an escalator that is going down. If you ever stop climbing, you immediately lose ground. It takes effort and perseverance to get up to where Christ is. That is how our eternal progression is. The only things we can take with us beyond the grave is our knowledge and our relationships. If we aren't progressing we are retrogressing.

I am not saying I am perfect at what I am encouraging. I waste a lot of time on entertainment in front of the television or movie screen. Sometimes it's nice to relax and do nothing. I know, however, that one must be very cautious. We can get in the habit of allowing ourselves to be mesmerized (this is Satan's tool and it is a form of hypnotism). We can also become mesmerized in front of the computer screen and on video games. I am always amazed at how much time passes when I get into a computer game of solitaire. And I can never, never recapture that time that has passed. Often, I reflect on what I could have learned from reading a good book during the time I lost playing the insignificant game.

And while I am encouraging my children's children to find spouses that read, read, read, I would be amiss to not say, "Dear grandchildren, you must learn to read, too. And you must read to learn. You will then be prepared to be a spouse to someone whose grandmother encouraged them to find a spouse that reads a lot, too."

One more thing (and this is just my musing). We know that the Savior understands everything that we are going through. I have often wondered how he could if he never sinned. How could he understand the feelings of a thief, an adulterer, a time waster, someone that feels inadequate, someone that is friendless, someone that is an abuser? I have had the thought that he learned from others as they shared their experiences. He learned from reading, he learned from visions and dreams. Our Godhead have given visions and dreams to prophets that have shared what they have learned in written form. Always, always, we should take time each day to learn from the scriptures. I have written enough therefore you have read enough (but only on what I have to say on this subject today!). Now go and read, read, read!!!

Julie B. Beck Women's Conference 2010

I hope you will take the time to listen to Julie B. Beck's talk at the 2010 Women's Conference. Here is the link: http://www.byutv.org/watch/175-1401

Her advice is sound and strong and I can say that she knows what she is talking about. Please take the time to listen to it often. You can also find it to print for those of you that like to read something over and over again.

Best wishes!

Give Your Family the Gift of Your Time—That’s Really What It’s All About!

Well, the vacation and down time are over and it’s time to get back to my love of sharing ideas of what I think could help families grow stronger.

I may repeat some ideas on a regular basis and that’s because I think we all need reminders—a shot in the arm—a pick-me-up. Hey, we need to read our scriptures daily and go to church to get reminders, don’t we? And I know from experience that I may have read a scripture a hundred times and then, all of a sudden one day, I may get a totally different insight to the scripture’s message. We’ve all experienced this I’m sure. So, here are a few reminders:

1) Always put your family first (and that includes your spouse). 2) Have Family Home Evening weekly. This is a must. 3) Eat together as a family at least once a day. Be prepared with questions to stimulate positive conversation. 4) Spend time individually with each family member on a regular basis. Be creative—have dates. 5) Support one another with hobbies and interests. Go to recitals, sporting events, classes or lessons. Share in one another’s interests. 6) Work together then play together. 7) Keep communication open and friendly. Be available to talk with your children at bedtime or whenever opportunities surface. 8) Avoid built-in babysitters—T.V., computers, electronic games. These are “black holes” that valuable time gets lost in. 9) Plan excursions. Everyone gets excited when they have something to look forward to. 10) Find things that you family can enjoy together such a reading, camping, sporting events, arts and crafts, cooking, art, bicycling and do them together. 11) Never forget to pray together and study scriptures together. 12) Have the rule that everyone goes to church every week and shares (upon the return home) something that they learned or enjoyed at church.

A Zest For Life

I am writing this to women but it could be adapted to a man with the use of a little imagination on his part.

We all know women who have that “special glow.” They can walk in a room and people feel better. People are drawn to these women like bees to a flower; attracted by their joyous attitudes and loving smiles. These women are not party girls nor are they necessarily beautiful. Such women are often quiet and you would not look twice at them in a crowd. But there is something that draws you to these kind of women. They warm your heart—make you feel better about life. These women embrace life with their whole hearts—with passion!

Ask yourself: Am I a woman of passion? Do I embrace life with my whole heart? Do I love God with all of my being? Or, do I hang back, lukewarm and afraid to fully commit myself to the adventure of living? Here are some ways you can embrace life and cultivate passion:

1) Appreciate life itself. Enjoy the details of God’s Creation. Rejoice in the small things as well as the large. Look around you and see how amazing and wondrous life is.
2) Seek out new experiences. Live your life as an adventure—never let it become a routine chore. Always be open to learning something new.
3) Be active, not passive. Don’t sit around and let life pass you by. Join in. Don’t sit back and complain. Get up out of your chair and play. Try an experiment. See if you can go 24 hours without complaining. Then, make a gratitude list with the title “I Am Thankful For…”on a sheet of paper with three headings underneath the title and across the top: “Things,” “People,” “Other.” List what you are thankful for as they apply to each heading. After you have made your list, read it four times in a twenty-four hour period. Really try to sense the gratitude you should feel for all that you have.
4) Cultivate beauty. Plant a garden. Put flowers on your kitchen table. Buy something you consider lovely and wear it proudly. Go to a museum or and art gallery. Take up a new hobby such as painting or quilting. Create beauty as well as enjoying it.
5) Reach out to others. Smile often. Get to know people who are different from you . Appreciate and enjoy their differences. Really listen when you are in a conversation. Give each person your full attention—including your children and your husband. Show affection. Be encouraging.
6) Add spice and color to your days. Try new foods, new recipes from exotic places. Learn new forms of exercise. Get in touch with your body. Stretch your body. Break up your routine. Surprise your husband by planning a date. Give him a gift for no occasion— “just because….” Be spontaneous and do something fun on the spur of the moment.
7) Lighten up. In other words cultivate your sense of humor. Laugh more. Take to heart the biblical command to “Rejoice in the Lord always.”
8) Share your blessings with others.
9) Never be afraid to be passionate about your faith. Love God with your whole heart, mind, body, and spirit. He will be your never-failing source of passion and zest for life.

Here are just a few things you might consider doing: 1) Sign up for a class in a subject that intrigues you. 2) Create a new recipe. 3) Try a new restaurant or order a new dish the next time you go out to eat. 4) Throw a party for all your friends—just to celebrate life. 5) Read a travel book or adventure story. 6) Plan a trip to an exotic locale that you would love to see.

How will doing any or all of the above apply to strengthening your family? Well, let me just say, “If mamma ain’t happy there ain’t nobody goin’ to be happy.” Or as my husband says, “Happy wife, happy life.” Or, “When your cup is full, you can better share with others.” (Please note that some of my thoughts come from inspiration from a little book entitled, “Checklist for Life For Women, pp. 158-160)

What Can I Learn From a Child?

This morning as I read from the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 3:18-19, about becoming as a little child, I had the thought, "blessed are they that have little children in their midst; and wise are they that take the time to be with them, play with them, try to understand them and learn from them." They are our teachers (if we will let them)—here to teach us how to become what Heavenly Father would have us be—submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things that Father sees fit to inflict upon us.

For a long time I have known—if you want to learn about someone, you spend time in their home. The same holds true to learn how to become like a little child, one must spend time with children doing the things that they do.

Many of us have this blessed gift right before us and we fail to see it. Cherish the gift and enjoy it!

How Much Work Should a Child Work if a Good Child Should Work Could?

I know, the title is pretty lame, but I thought of it after watching a Wood Chuck in our yard today. (I’m writing this on Saturday.) My son, Shaun, was working (hard) on a project and the wood chuck was diverting Shaun’s attention from the work that needed to be done. I thought of the tongue twister, “How much wood would a wood chuck, chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?”

I had already decided that I would write about our family’s policy for work when our children were growing up. And since there have been many a time we have been asked why our children are such hard workers, I thought I might share our policy.

When our children were in school, their main jobs were to be sure that homework was done because that was their work. In addition, 1/2 hour chore was required each day. During the summer, 1 hour of work was required each day. (Of course, Sunday was and is always observed as a day of rest.) On Saturdays, everyone worked until the work was done and then we played together if plans were such or the children were free to play the things of their choice. If they complained of boredom, they were warned that we could find something more for them to do if they wanted to complain. Thus, they learned to use their free time with discretion. If we announced, “the ox is in the mire,” that meant everyone was needed for a longer period of time and everyone pitched in. Our children would sometimes complain that their friends didn’t have to work but we tried to teach our children that life is not a free ride and since they were a part of our family they needed to work, too. We had to remind them once in a while that if dad or mom decided to quit working, and if other families parents quit working, society would pretty much fall apart. If the children claimed to be too tired or sick to work, we insisted that they must stay in bed and act the part of a sick person. Truly, if the children felt well, it wasn’t long until they wanted to be up helping with the work because it surely beat staying in bed all day.

When the children were old enough to do laundry, they were responsible for their own laundry. Of course, this meant that sometimes the washer and dryer were used non-stop on Saturdays and when the children were teens, clothes were laundered more frequently than we parents thought necessary, but laundry was certainly not a big deal for them when they went to college, on missions, or got married. Cooking was encouraged as soon as the children could read and understand how to follow a recipe. And, if they made messes while cooking, they knew they had to help clean them up, too.

When our sons were old enough, they went to work with Jeff occasionally. (We were blessed to have our own business.) When they turned 16, they worked whenever they could to earn money for their expenses.

I guess our children’s confidence waxed strong in the area of work because it was always part of their life and they learned how much could be accomplished in just 1/2 hour or 1 hour a day. Like anything else, steady and slow accomplishes the goal.

A Book Of Their Own In No Time At All

I have few regrets concerning my life. Today, however, I do wish to share one thing that I wish I would have had the insight to do—to follow through on, and that is helping each of my children to start a journal, a book written by them in their handwriting, illustrated by them, told in their own words.

It really would have been quite simple if I had established a time each day or each week for journaling and made that time sacred. I think...no...I know I was always too focused on “get the work done so we can relax and watch a good show on television or a movie in the VCR.” (Here’s the subject of the blasted TV again. My! It’s a time waster!)

At any rate, I know I don’t remember the shows we watched; but I surely would like to remember some of the things my children said and the things they did. I would love to read from a journal that they wrote. And, I am sure my children would like to read about their experiences and thoughts of childhood, too.

A few weeks ago, I found a box of things my daughter, Michelle, kept from her school years. There were little books her teachers had had her make that were so precious. As I read some of her thoughts in her childhood handwriting, I had the thought that I had no idea she was really concerned about certain things. In recent years she has told me of her childhood concerns and I had wondered how exact Michelle’s memory really was; but now, here I found these concerns written down and they had been real.

So, take some advice from someone that can tell you what you will regret if your children grow up too soon and you have no record of their childhood from their perspective. Have your children start journaling! Be firm on this. Have your whole family start sitting down together with a journal in front of each person and have each family member write about his day and or week. Encourage each writer to record personal experiences, funny incidents, scary moments, exciting times, hopes and wishes, unusual dreams, personal thoughts, things learned in school, holiday fun and summertime happenings.

If you are faithful in daily or weekly writing time, it won’t be long before each family member will have written a book. Then, I know you will have no regrets.

Family Time Together

If you ask a child, “What make your family happy?” He might answer, “When we get along.” More often than not, however, a child will answer, “When we do things together.” Surprisingly, because this is such a simple way to develop unity and solve the “when we get along” need, we overlook the solution of “doing things together.”

Here are a few questions to help you evaluate what your family could do to improve in the area of Family Time Together:

1) Are we spending family time in the way we would like? 2) If not, how would we like to spend our time together? 3) What things are preventing us from spending time together? 4) Are there things that we can change so that more time can be spent together as a family? 5) Could we calendar family time together? (Ah hah! Family Home Evening Night!) 6) Could we work on consistency?

Now, for a list of things one might consider for making the most out of your family time together:

1) Whenever possible, eat meals together as a family every day. Encourage conversation while eating (see Conversation Jar Idea). Make this a time where everyone is encouraged to slow down. 2) Exercise together as a family. Be it dancing, biking, hiking, walking, great satisfaction and memories will be created. 3) Play games together instead of watching television. 4) Establish family-favorite movies to be watched together as a family. Be sure to talk about “why” the movie is special—what message it gives, and have healthy snacks to go along with the show. 5) Find ways for your family to do community service together. 6) Have family projects and family chores where everyone works together. Have a family garden, family dusting, family pick-up. When the grandchildren come, I hear a song, “Clean-up, clean-up, everybody clean-up.” Soon, all of the grandchildren, mom and dad, and even grandma and grandpa start helping to pick up toys. Why do family chores together? Well, if you’re in the same room together, you’re bound to talk and play more with one another. I used to assign different rooms for each of my children to clean. If I had it to do over, I would have all of us work together—from cleaning rooms to washing dishes. Hey, I’m still amazed that there are more ways to “see things differently.” I love remembering, “There are more than two sides to a coin.” What do you think?

Kvetching

What is it? It sounds like some form of ball game doesn’t it? I think it would be a good name for a game. Actually, kvetching is Yiddish for “complaining.” Is it good or is it bad? I think it can be either. Are parents allowed kvetching? Should children be allowed to kvetch? I think it all depends on whether or not the kvetching is constructive. Everyone needs the chance to vent—to get things out in the open. The old adage, “children are to be seen and not heard,” is offensive to me. Good, effective communication skills are the hardest things to learn. Why try to quiet children when they are trying to make their challenges known?

Since the word “complaining” is so commonplace in our English language, could “kvetching” be used as a clue word between parent and child or parent to parent, that “Hey, I really need you to listen to me!” A child might say, “Hey dad. I need to do some kvetching.” Dad’s ears perk up and he says, “Okay, let’s hear what you have to say.” This sounds simple, but it would get my attention.

Perhaps a few other things could be considered when it comes to kvetching. 1) For every item that is complained about, the complainer has to have 2 things that he/she can speak well of. 2) As children get older, they need to come to you with a list of possible solutions to the things they are kvetching about. 3) Encourage the child to keep a “Kvetching Journal” wherein he/she writes down the things that disturb him/her. I learned this secret a long time ago: If something is bothering me, I will brood over it trying to remember why I am justified in being upset. Amazingly, as soon as I write everything down, my mind relaxes because it isn’t trying to remember all of its justifications for upset, and moves on. Rarely do I have to refer back to the journal entry because I forget about the upset and have solved the problem while evaluating it on paper.

I hesitate to do so, but here’s wishing you—HAPPY KVETCHING!!!

Teach Children to Save

Today is "National Teach Children to Save" day. As I saw this on my calendar, I had the thought that this is one thing that is probably ignored quite a bit by today's society. All around us are the enticements to satisfy a want with the mentality that the things we want are "needs." I do not profess that I know how to teach children to save because I know how easy it is to ask myself, "Is this a need or is it a want?" When I conclude that it is a want, I still will usually buy it with the justification that I will do better next time. How many of us are like this? And, what is the solution?

In my parent's day, they didn't use credit cards. Thus, when the money ran out, the buying power was gone. I think the adage was, "No mun, no fun."

Perhaps it all comes down to teaching children to have integrity with themselves. If they can ask themselves, "Is it a need? Is it a want? Can I live without it?" and then be honest with themselves when the answer to all three questions is "no." They will learn a self-discipline that will help them throughout their lives.

Another rule a child might give him or herself would be to wait at least 24 hours after deciding that he/she wants to buy an item and see if the item is still important to him/her.

Benjamin Franklin said, "A penny saved is a penny earned." This is so true. Perhaps you could have some fun with this idea and have your child make a bank in which he deposits every penny that he resists spending on something and after a period of time let him count it and evaluate the importance of how much money he/she has saved. I know I have been amazed at how much money collects in a jar when I always put my change in it.

Instant gratification becomes a weakness for all of us. We can set an example for our children by teaching them that we can resist our "toys and goodies" too. Once again, I think I will work on practicing what I preach.

Blessings of a Wonderful Man in Your Life

I've been thinking a lot about the different roles men and women play. I am impressed with the thought that we women do not always take the time to appreciate all that our husbands do for us--that we take for granted--that we expect as every-day, routine things. Maybe I'm just one of the lucky few that has a husband that gets up every day and goes to work without expressing dread. He works long and hard at work and then, when he comes home he asks me what I would like to do. If I have nothing in mind then he says, "I think I'll go out and work in the yard (greenhouse or garden)then."

If I have something I want to do, then my husband readily makes himself ready for my heart's desire. I am amazed how kind and compassionate a man can be. You would think that after a long day's work that a man might say, "I've done my work now let me alone. I want to do my own thing." I know I'm not saying this very well but if a man takes his family, work and church responsibilities seriously, there just isn't very much time left for him to do things that are for his personal gratification. Good men seem to give their all for those they love. They don't think of themselves first and foremost do they?

Today, I would like to encourage that a little more empathy be given to that wonderful man in your life. Think of things that you can do to build him up. Can you express a little more appreciation? Can you make sure you fix him good, nutritious meals? When he arrives home, will you drop everything you're doing and greet him with excitement because he's home? Perhaps you could find interest in his interests and be by his side a little more. With a prayer in your heart, brainstorm on ways that you can lighten your sweetheart's burdens. Don't take him and all that he does for granted even one more day. Evaluate on paper all that he does for you, your family and others and I know you will feel deep gratitude for the blessings of a wonderful man in your life. Now, I must go and take my own advice.

Imagine yourself in a Dark Room, Unable to See...

I have a dear friend whose mother died when she was just tiny. Now she is a mother and has expressed her wish that her mother were near by to talk to when she has discipline questions. I shared the following with her and thought that perhaps others would benefit too. So here is what I told her:

Picture yourself in the middle of dark, windowless, doorless room. You are sitting on a chair--confused and alone and you're wondering what the room is like. You crawl on the floor very slowly, feeling with your hands--hoping there are no sudden drops or hard things that you might bump into. Afterall you do not want to be hurt. You crawl until you reach the wall. Then you stand and feel around the walls and you go around the square of the walls. You become confident that you are safe with the boundary of the walls--there are no drops or bumps, but because it is dark, you are never sure you have covered all of the area between the walls and your chair. So, you keep testing to make sure the boundaries are safe. This applies to a young child's life. They will crawl and feel their way until they know their boundaries (the walls). Then they will will keep testing to make sure the boundaries haven't changed. As long as the boundaries do not change, they feel very secure and will behave better. If consistency changes, however, they will test to see if their boundaries have broadened. Once the child is older and can be reasoned with, of course the boundaries are made larger--but only after the child has proven to himself and you that they can handle the smaller boundaries. I hope this makes sense to you. It really helped me to make sure I stayed consistent at all costs. My child's future well-being depended upon it.